QPR fans might not believe it, but Djibril Cisse is back.
On Saturday evening, he will slip on a Bastia shirt for the first time and trot out for the away fixture at Valenciennes as he begins life with his 10th football club. Look, he was so excited, he bought his own Premium Class plane ticket and everything.
Joining a club currently hovering in 13th position in Ligue 1, without a league win in four and giving every indication that they could join the relegation battle, seems like a predictable career trajectory for a 32-year-old speeding towards the end of his career.
Cisse gives the impression of being a slightly more glamorous Dave Kitson, suddenly popping up and scoring a goal – or getting sent off – for a team you had no idea he was playing for.
Between his last disastrous spell at Loftus Road a year ago and Saturday night, Cisse has squeezed in two more teams onto his lengthening CV, Al-Gharafa in Qatar and Russia’s Kuban Krasnador. He managed five goals in 24 games for those two.
More importantly he also launched his own fragrance, Mr Lenoir. Honest. Want to know want Djibril smells like?
Well it is a combination of “woody, spicy and amber, from a blend of notes of bergamot, lavender, black pepper, cashmere wood, cardamom, labdanum, patchouli, vanilla and musk”.
It is not known if Shaun Derry borrowed a bottle from Cisse or just stayed with the Deep Heat.
But Cisse thinks his career is far from over.
The main reason he is back playing in Ligue 1? He wants to go to Brazil.
By playing in France again, he hopes to remind national team coach, Didier Deschamps, that he is good enough for the World Cup.
He told L’Equipe this week that he “would never let go” of his dream to play for Les Bleus again, a team he “loves”.
It may not be that far-fetched an idea.
Having stumbled to Brazil and then being handed a seemingly fortuitous draw – Switzerland, Ecuador and Honduras – there is a rare feel-good factor surrounding France’s national side at the moment.
That will disappear in the run-up to the summer, when the battles over who should play surface again.
The French frontline is far from settled. Olivier Giroud is in pole position at the moment, having taken over from the hapless Karim Benzema. In support is Marseille’s Andre-Pierre Gignac.
Currently all three look about as good a bet for playing all France’s games as Theo Walcott does for England.
Which is where Cisse comes in, maybe.
He played at the 2002 and 2010 finals, where France were eliminated both times in the first round, only missing out in 2006, where they got to the final, because of a broken leg. He last played for France in 2011.
He may not be a good luck charm but he is on the fringes of the squad.
Of the top 5 scorers in the French league, only one, Alexandre Lacazette is French. He has scored nine times.
Among those not considered at the moment, but doing well, is Lyon’s Bafetimbi Gomis, who is scoring a goal every other game after 14 appearances.
France still needs a forward who can actually find the net and Cisse’s record at least compares with his rivals.
He has scored nine times in 41 matches; Giroud five in 26, Gignac four in 17 and Benzema 18 in 64, but he is just coming off the back of playing 1,666 minutes for France without scoring, which made him a national figure of fun.
Loic Remy may be a better bet for France, but he has his own problems.
One potential stumbling block are Bastia themselves.
They have only scored 21 times in 19 Ligue 1 games, they are about as much fun as Norwich, so getting any service may prove difficult for Djibril.
But on Saturday night, a man with an eye-catching haircut and gloves, no doubt, will be a man on a mission.
The “Either Fackin’ Shape Up Or Get Aaht” Award For Fan Loyalty
To the nation of France, or at least 89.7% of it, who, in a collective shoulder shrug decided that the national team would not qualify for the World Cup after defeat to Ukraine in the first leg of the play-offs and that this version of Les Bleus was the worst ever.
Special mention to right-wing grouch Marine Le Pen, who called the squad “a bunch of badly raised children” following the first leg defeat.
Still, not as bad as this Arsenal fan
The Very Modern Footballer Award
Is Ajaccio’s Gadji Tallo injured? No, he’s rolling around but he’s ok. Only trouble is, his boss Fabrizio Ravanelli thinks he must be mortally wounded as he looks in so much pain, so he is coming off anyway. Cue tantrum.
The Hardcore Fan of the Year Award
Weather girl Doria Tillier became a 15-minute sensation by stripping, as promised, if France managed to beat Ukraine and even managed to squeeze in a reference to anal sex on national TV.
But the prize goes to online porn producer Marc Dorcel who promised free access to his smutty website if France won. His site crashed soon after the game.
The I’m So Not Over It Yet Award.
Yoann Gourcuff, who fell out with Franck Ribery spectacularly at the 2010 World Cup amid allegations of bullying, is asked for his best five French footballers of 2013 by France Football magazine. His selection: Laurent Koscielny, Yohan Cabaye, Raphaël Varane, Paul Pogba and Jérémie Aliadière. Not a Franck in sight.
The Is That Irony Or Just Damn Annoying Award?
Lille’s goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama had gone 11 games – and 1,062 minutes – without conceding a goal. That was from September until December, autumn until winter, almost a whole series of X Factor. Then, step forward his own centre-half, Simon Kjaer who, in the 12th game, deflected the most harmless looking Bordeaux shot into his own goal, via a post. Kjaerless.
The Look Away Now Award
The Next Big Thing in French Football, Saint-Etienne’s Kurt Zouma, was banned for 10 weeks in November for this tackle on Sochaux’s Thomas Guebert. Guebert suffered a broken tibia and fibia. Centre-half Zouma got an extended Christmas break and could be Chelsea-bound. Future Captain, Leader, Legend
The Best Game Award
Two big names, “History” v “Money”, try-hards v unbeaten, province v capital. And a two-goal lead heartbreakingly squandered by the “good guys” thanks to a 94th minute equaliser, and a duff one at that.
The Kim Jong Un Cult Of The Personality Award
I am Zlatan, You are Zlatan, We are all Zlatan. Bestriding Ligue 1 like the biggest fish in the pond, you-know-who is everywhere. He scores great goals, Panenkas in penalties, plays tennis with Djokovic, has burgers named after him, writes best-selling books, Franck Ribery feels “sad” for him because he is not nominated for the Ballon D’Or, he is on the front of magazines, paintings are drawn, he meets a former Miss France, she giggles, he almost went on strike, his bus got attacked, he is Ligue 1’s top scorer, biggest draw, best paid, biggest talent. He is Ligue 1. He’s not bad either.
The I’ve-Never-Met-A-Nice-Left-Back Award
To Patrice Evra and Bixente Lizarazu. A spat that has continued for several years, exploded in November with Evra calling Lizarazu a “tramp”, Bixente accusing the Manchester United captain of “dirtying his image”. Imagine if they played in an important position.
The So That’s Where You Went Prize
This could go to former big club Bordeaux, yo-yo-ing between both halves of the league, or Montpellier, champions two years ago, relegation candidates this time around. But watching a Valenciennes’ forward flounder and miss during a Ligue 1 game, it was nice to know that Liverpool starlet Anthony Le Tallec is still getting a game.
Loving Your Own Fans Award
St Etienne, who decided a whole 20 minutes before their December 7 fixture with PSG-slayers, Evian TG to postpone the game. They were surprised by a frozen pitch, you see. In December.
Newcastle’s Next Signing Award
Lyon forward Bafetimbi Gomis. Long linked to that north east Team Who Refuse To Win Anything, Gomis might still end up at St Wonga Park if Lyon’s fortunes continue to suffer. Gomis also seems to be a nice guy with a cool sense of dress, if his Twitter is anything to go by…
Bet You Wish You Hadn’t Been Proved Right Award
Salomon Kalou, fired up by becoming Ligue 1’s highest scorer for 2013 chunters confidently in October about how much harder it is to score goals in France than England. He’s right because how many goals has he scored since? Well, it is fewer than Fernando Torres, Phil Bardsley. And Asmir Begovic.
The Ezekiel Lavezzi Award For Comedy
…is won by Ezekiel Lavezzi for tripping up a cameraman.
Hilarity not only ensued, but also an apology after Levazzi was told off for his behaviour. Bet that was his idea as well.
Body Part Of The Year Award
It briefly got its own Twitter account and you just could not keep Zlatan’s Nose out of the news. Joey Barton, in February, reminded the world – and it’s owner – of its size.
Then Anderlecht’s Sacha Kljestan hit out at it after Zlatan mocked his facial hair during a Champions League tie.
And the nose secures a notable hat trick when Zlatan compares it – ungallantly – to the schnozz of a fawning French female female fan.
Worst Night In Award
Goes to Mamadou Sakho, who, like the rest of the world, was faced again with the prospect of trying to make yet another interminably dreary Manchester United Champions League match night interesting. It looks like he failed. At least he didn’t have to listen to Andy Townsend.
The Even Joe Hart Hasn’t Done That Award
Hugo Lloris. In Belarus. And Benny Hill.
The Deja Vu Award
A Londoner who has played for Manchester United and Milan, arriving at PSG with a big reputation and a huge fanfare, then leaving through the back door after a few uninspiring games? So 1987…
The Making It Hard To Love You Award
An out of tune with the rest of the nation Karim Benzema compounded his chronic inability to score goals for France by announcing he won’t sing the national anthem before international matches. “No one can force me to sing the Marseillaise,” he harrumphed unharmoniously to Le Monde.
The Laurent Blanc Award For Passing Under The Radar
And the winner is Laurent Blanc. PSG didn’t really want him, he started slowly, no one really rated him. Record scratch forward four months, his team have lost just one league game, the league will be theirs, they topped their Champions League group, and five Ligue 1 managers have been sacked. Not one of them is Laurent Blanc.
The Short Goodbye Award
“The fabled world career of England’s football megastar ends on artificial turf in the French provinces.” A sniffy SportBild says a less than tear-stained goodbye to David Beckham as he plays his last game for PSG. L’Equipe calls him “notably poor” and gives him 3/10 after the Champions League tie against Barcelona
The Long Goodbye Award
Special mention to Eden Hazard who went to see Lille and was late home to train for Chelsea and subsequently dropped.
But the winner is, again, Liverpool’s Mamadou Sakho crying as he says goodbye to Paris from the centre circle at Parc des Princes. Complete with baby in arms. Bless. Well, if someone told you that you were swapping Paris for Liverpool, you’d tear up too.
The Winston Churchill Award for Oratory
Rolland Courbis, long coveted by Montpellier fans, finally takes the reigns in December with the club flailing one spot outside the relegation zone. This is his moment, his chance to shine, to lift the gloom. “I am not a magician,” deadpans Courbis in his first press conference. The sigh could be heard all over the south.
Speaking For The Nation Award
The stellar Joey Barton, who on hearing of PSG’s 2-0 defeat at Evian, tweeted: “@Joey7Barton: Hahaha bien jouer @papesougou Evian 2 PSG 0…”
@papesougou is his former Marseille teammate, Modou Sougou, currently on loan to Evian.
The You Are Not Going To Stay Long Are You Award, Even Though You Get €18m Tax Free A Year
No one could believe it when Monaco signed Radamel Falcao. And no one really believes he is going to stay there. Every week there is a rumour then a strong denial that, honestly, he is not going anywhere. And he is definitely not going to Chelsea. OK.
The How’s That Working Out For You Then Award
Ajaccio sacked Ligue 1’s most interesting manager Fabrizio Ravanelli for having won only one game at the beginning of November. Games won since: 0
It is some 450 miles from Saint-Etienne to Rennes, a car journey of almost six-and-a-half hours.
On Wednesday night, exactly no Saint-Etienne fans will make the trip for the Ligue 1 fixture between the two sides.
And that is not just because sixth-placed “Les Verts” are trapped in a hellish mini-league behind the leaders, just outside the Champions League spots, but with little hope of going any higher. (Insert your own Tottenham gag here)
No, it is because Saint-Etienne fans are banned because of hooliganism.
On their last away day in Nice, Saint-Etienne ultras, known implausibly as the “Green Angels”, decided that the welcome provided by the south coast club – stones allegedly thrown at their coaches as they arrived in town – was anything but cordial and responded in kind.
Seats and punches were swapped before the match, critiques and polemics afterwards.
Nice’s deputy mayor pointing a finger at the unwelcome visitors sniffed something about dishonouring “sporting values”, as a Saint-Etienne official mumbled under his breath about “not normal people”.
The upshot was that fans of Saint-Etienne have been banned from attending any further games away from home until the new year.
Not being able to watch Saint-Etienne play away may not seem like any form of punishment, but the trouble did not occur in isolation.
There was violence in the club’s recent clash with local rivals Lyon and in the past week alone, fans have set about PSG’s coach before their match with Lyon in the capital.
And on Tuesday, Lille fans tried to attack Florian Thauvin as the Marseille player landed with his team at Lille airport.
Thauvin, a rising star of French football, is a hate figure to many in Lille after he left there to go to Marseille in September, just eight months after signing a four-year deal with the northern French club in a mucky row involving wages, missed training sessions and the head-turning role of a family friend, a former butcher, who became Thauvin’s advisor.
Now, not to get all Danny Dyer and pwopah naughty about this but it seems that sometimes the “match-day experience” in France can get a little hairy.
It is not all about buying replica Cavani shirts on your way into the stadium.
Despite the image PSG are currently trying to foster, it was only three years ago that fights between rival PSG supporters led to the death of one of their own fans. PSG have long been tainted with an element of support from the extreme right-wing.
But it is not just in the capital. A quick Google will direct you to several shakily-videoed spots of French football bother, if that is your kind if thing.
There is also the long-standing tradition of offensive banners in French football, ranging from the rude to the rather haughty.
Nice fans once told Franck Ribery that his appearance “scared” children, PSG told a group of Lens supporters that their town was full of “paedophiles, unemployed and the inbred”, while back in Lyon, their fans told Saint-Etienne’s, in a rather Radio 4 fashion, that: “While we were inventing cinema your fathers were dying in the coalmines.” (The Lumiere brothers who invented the motion camera hailed from Lyon. Saint-Etienne was at the heart of French coal production).
And for Saint Etienne fans, it means they will not only miss the fun of travelling the length of the country to Rennes, but also a trip to Montpelier and in the League Cup, the game at PSG.
Last season, PSG were knocked out of the Coupe de la Ligue by Saint Etienne, a cup they went onto win.
This season they have come the closest to beating PSG, denied only by an injury time equaliser in a 2-2 draw in late October.
They could, feasibly, become the first away team to win in Paris for over a year, and yet will have no one their to see it. And the last two teams to win at the Parc des Princes other than PSG? Rennes and Saint-Etienne.
Another week, another win for PSG and another goal for Zlatan.
Ligue 1 at the weekend and the narrative seemed tiringly familiar.
Paris smugged their way to a 4-0 win over former rivals Lyon, dismissing them with relish, to stay four points clear and unbeaten.
PSG’s every game now seems to be one more marker along a season-long lap of honour, threatening to become so predictable even Sebastian Vettel would struggle to stifle a yawn.
And Ibrahimovic scored a penalty to become Ligue 1’s top scorer with 11. And it wasn’t just any old penalty, it was a Panenka.
Then before washing and and combing his hair, the most famous footballer in France got to meet its most famous unemployed man, Nicolas Sarkozy.
Here was the natural order restored; out-peacocked on the World Cup stage, Zlatan at least had the consolation of once again being the main draw in his adopted home.
Yet, it is not hard to argue that as impressive as Ibrahimovic is – and more importantly, even more impressive than he thinks he is – one player in Ligue 1 is out-performing the Swede week in, week out.
On Saturday evening Lille beat local rivals Valenciennes 1-0.
For the 10th week on the trot, goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama kept a clean sheet. 10 weeks!
Enyeama – and his second-placed Lille side – has not conceded a Ligue 1 goal for 945 minutes. In 15 matches this season, he has kept 13 clean sheets.
The forwards of Valenciennes joined those of Toulouse, Lorient, St Etienne, Rennes, Sochaux, Evian TG, Lyon, Ajaccio, Montpelier, Nantes and Monaco in failing to score past Vincent.
He has conceded just four goals since the beginning of the season, with Reims and Nice belonging to French football’s most exclusive club, both scoring twice against Lille.
Since Enyeama decided to stop letting in goals, Lille have risen from 12th to 2nd. They are a point ahead of Monaco and six ahead of Marseille who travel to Lille on Tuesday night.
If Enyeama manages to avoid conceding a goal in the first four minutes he will have set a new record for the French League.
(If you are wondering how good he is and what his saves look like against a background of poor music, wonder no longer)
The last time he conceded a goal was on September 15, a long ago, simple age when AVB was in a good mood, no one spoke to Iran, and JFK had been shot barely 49 years ago.
And it is not as if Enyeama, Nigeria’s number one, is playing behind a defence of Baresi and Beckenbauer.
As solid as Lille are, Enyeama has been performing minor miracles, including a 94th minute save against Valenciennes on Saturday which had L’Equipe purring.
Enyeama is a symbol of the new, stripped-back Lille.
Bought for an undisclosed fee from Hapoel Tel Aviv, then loaned to Maccabi Tel Aviv, Lille seemed unsure of a keeper who could now pick and choose who he plays for.
Just two seasons ago, Lille won the league and cup double (the end of an age before PSG burst to the top) with a team comprising Eden Hazard, Gervinho, Cabaye and Debuchy.
With their star players picked off by “bigger clubs”, Lille started again, recruiting players such as Enyeama.
Their aim is a top three place. Beating Marseille would go a long way to achieving that. Keep them at bay for four minutes and more, and you could argue Zlatan has a rival for player of the year. Truly.
From late on Saturday night, Middlesbrough old-boy Fabrizio Ravanelli was looking for a new job.
The former forward was sacked immediately after his Ajaccio side lost 3-1 at home to the previously dire Valenciennes.
In fairness to the sack-happy board of Ajaccio there are very few places to go after watching your side lose to Valenciennes.
Prior to the game, Valenciennes were bottom of the league. By the end of the night they had jumped a place above Ajaccio to the heady heights of 18th.
Seeing as Valenciennes had just replaced their manager, it’s not hard to see where the Ajaccio board got their inspiration.
Ravanelli looked resigned to his fate in the closing few minutes of the game.
Hands on immaculately-cut suit hips, head bowed, Ravanelli looked like he had given up the fight.
It was the same expression he had whenever he slipped on a Derby County shirt.
Afterwards, he accepted his fate with good grace.
“It hurts but that’s life,” Ravanelli, told French television.
Club president Alain Orsoni seemed a little less emotional: “When things don’t work, the only solution is a change of coach,” he said, without dabbing his eyes with a nearby tissue.
Orsoni then went onto explain how much he liked Ravanelli but had decided to sack him in the middle of last month.
Tough world.
Ajaccio like to do a few things, mostly losing football matches and sacking managers.
Ravanelli was their fourth coach in just over a year. The fifth might be Frederic Antonetti, who has managed a variety of French clubs, including Ajaccio’s rivals, Bastia.
For poor old Fabio, nothing seemed to go right.
They have won one game all season and Ravanelli liked to refer to the big fat book of Warnockian excuses when they lost: they didn’t deserve defeat, were the better team and the ref was rubbish.
The highlight was being just minutes away from beating PSG, a result that might eventually bear resemblance to Portsmouth drawing with Arsenal’s Invincibles thanks to a Robert Pires tumble as Paris increasingly give the impression they will remain unbeaten all season.
And as well as on the pitch there were some strange allegations in the French press, vehemently denied by Ravanelli, that he had been doping his Ajaccio players by giving them banned supplements.
There were also claims, again strongly denied by Ravanelli, of drug use on his part when he played for Marseille.
“I believe in playing clean football,” he said.
“In my time at Marseille only one player had problems with [cocaine]. I was not [that person].
“This hurts me. I am someone who can hold their head up. I have never failed thousands of checks and nothing has been found against me.”
Whoever does take over won’t find it easy.
Ajaccio, based in Corsica, have a current transfer budget of £0, an honours list topped by the winning of two Ligue 2 championships – twice, mind you – a ground renamed after a fascist in 2002 and Adrian Mutu in their frontline.
They are only three points adrift of the relegation zone, but there is something of the air of Crystal Palace about them, just with a bit more sun.
But let’s not dwell on that; let’s just remember the good times and realise that Ligue 1 will be much poorer with one Fabrizio Ravanelli.
Bastia v Nice, Toulouse v Rennes, Guingamp v Ajaccio, Lorient v Sochaux and Valenciennes v Evian – what a Saturday night in that is.
All five Ligue 1 games were played on Saturday evening, all kicked off at the same time and all were shown live on TV.
The big question: which game to watch?
It is the equivalent, position-wise currently, of watching Newcastle v Man Utd, West Brom v Swansea, Southampton v Norwich, Stoke v Sunderland and Crystal Palace v Cardiff in the Premier League.
Exciting, eh? Even Sophie would struggle to make a choice from that lot.
Luckily, thanks to French TV coverage, no difficult decision was necessary – you can watch every game at the same time.
“Multi Ligue 1” is a concept used by beIN Sport, the sporting arm of Al Jazeera. Horrible branding and ridiculous spelling, but a good idea.
Basically, the viewer sits and watches as the cameras pan between each of the five grounds, depending on where and when something exciting is happening.
It sounds like recipe for nausea; Instead, at least for the neutral, it helps make 5 largely irrelevant games interesting.
On Saturday this included several visits to Toulouse to watch Rennes score goal after goal – they won 5-0 – Lorient squeeze past Sochaux in a nervy bottom-of-the-table clash, and Guingamp score two goals in the last five minutes in front of an enthralled crowd to beat Ajaccio 2-1.
The cameras also flicked to disputed offside decisions at Valenciennes, Lorient missing yet another chance in their vivid orange shirts and a slow-motion replay of a substituted Ajaccio player being berated by Fabrizio Ravanelli for not shaking his hand as he left the pitch.
You usually spend no longer than 3 or 4 minutes at each game before being transported to the next. It takes a bit of getting used to but as the games edge towards the 90 minute mark it is pretty hard to leave the sofa.
The closest you will get to it on British TV is when safety first Match of the Day wanders slightly off road on the final show of the season when the title is up for grabs, showing what is happening at two different grounds at various stages through the relevant games.
This though is far more intricate; constantly cutting to a much larger number of games, trying to anticipate what is about to happen. Whoever the director is can certainly read a game better than Lawro, and they must sleep well on a Sunday.
The idea is only used for largely mid-table or lower teams, not the likes of PSG or Monaco. So, in England, you could get to see Manchester Utd like this every Saturday. (Here all week).
Of course, the whole concept is reliant on football bending over before TV, but we all know how that little romance played out.
Live football is hard to miss in France at the weekend.
Before the five games on Saturday evening, viewers had the chance of watching Manchester United v Stoke on Canal Plus’s “Match Of Ze Day”, its real title, and at least shows a nice line in French self-deprecation.
At half time they show the goals from all the other Premier League games and you also find out that Iker Casillas imitates Joe Hart, not only by spending time on the sidelines, but also by advertising anti-dandruff shampoo.
That was followed by a choice of Southampton v Fulham or Barcelona v Real Madrid. I know which I preferred and can confirm that Jay Rodriguez should be a second Southampton striker in the England squad.
There were three more live games on Sunday all building up to the best game of the weekend; Sunday’s 2-2 draw between St Etienne and PSG, with the Parisians equalising in injury time. As Cavani scored, you could hear the sigh of relief across the country.
Or maybe that was just the sound of thousands of football fans getting up from their sofas for the first time in over 24 hours.
At 8:45pm on September 1, life was sweet for Olympique de Marseille.
They had won their first three Ligue 1 games, were perched on top of the league, had discovered the forward of the moment in Andre-Pierre Gignac and had just spent the past 45 minutes battering AS Monaco, deserving more than than their slender 1-0 lead.
The Stade Velodrome rocked; here was confirmation that Marseille needed, validation in a season all about PSG and Monaco.
They had proved themselves a match for their rich rivals from along the coast. Ligue 1 really was to be about more than about two expensively-assembled squads.
And what better way to prepare for the upcoming Champions League than the potential besting of a team who will inevitably be playing in the competition next year.
But the dream proved illusory, as fleeting as happiness in a soap opera.
By 9:45pm on September 1, Marseille’s season had begun to unravel.
They were picked off by the tax-shy Monagasques and ended up losing 1-2.
They have never really recovered; the leaves are falling from the trees more slowly than Marseille.
In the nine games since, they have won twice and one of those was against lowly Lorient, who are so poor they would struggle to get a result at Selhurst Park.
Within the last few weeks Arsenal, Borussia Dortmund, dreaded rivals PSG, local rivals Nice, and, last night Napoli have all beaten Marseille.
Like Monaco, Arsenal, PSG and Napoli would win at Marseille’s ground. All would win 2-1.
The PSG result was particularly galling and not just because of who it was. The defeat undermined any pretensions Marseille had about being title challengers.
Faced with playing the Parisians for an hour who were reduced to 10 men, they were so outplayed the only surprise in the scoreline was that Paris did not score more.
Currently Marseille sit fifth in Ligue 1, behind not only PSG and Monaco but also Lille and newly-promoted Nantes.
They are seven points behind PSG and 10 ahead of the relegation zone, with the gap growing at one end of the table and closing at the other.
Their Champions League adventure is almost over and it has barely begun.
In the toughest group – F – they are six points behind everyone else and have lost all three games, with just one home match left.
They have a record worse than whipping boys Steaua Bucharest or FK Austria Vienna, already reduced to being one of those teams who gets a one minute highlight clip around midnight on ITV’s Champions League round-up programmes.
Which all begs the question: what is the point of this year’s Marseille?
This was the season they were meant to provide an ethical challenge to France’s biggest two as well as play a part in the Champions League.
They are doing neither.
Gignac’s goals have dried up, stars Mathieu Valbuena and Dimitri Payet are shining less bright and the signing of the next big thing, Florian Thauvin is a work in progress.
Pressure is increasing on manager Elie Baup who is largely seen as doing a decent job but increasingly unable to push Marseille any further. A sort of Nigel Adkins on a sunnier coast, the Côte d’Azur.
Their next four domestic games are against sides all in mid-table or below.
You should expect Marseille to get a decent haul of points against the likes of Sochaux and Reims but that is not assured and might even prove illusory until they play their next big match.
Their only aim in Europe now is to try and qualify for the Europa League, a task that may not be beyond Arsenal but is increasingly looking out of Marseille’s reach.
It could be a long winter on the French Mediterranean.
France’s third highest ever scorer celebrated his birthday this week.
He has won league championships in France, Italy – in two divisions – been Serie A’s top scorer, played in a Champions League final, a World Cup final, was part of France’s 1998 World Cup winning squad and famously won the European Championships with a shot from the heavens.
He scored more than a goal every other game for Monaco and Juventus and did virtually the same for the national team. He has scored two goals in just three starts for his seventh and latest club.
And this Sunday, some 7,000 miles from France, one of the biggest names in European and world football during the noughties will trot out onto a pitch in Rosario, Argentina, to play in one of the most keenly-fought derbies anywhere, Rosario Central v Newell’s Old Boys.
Happy birthday 36-year-old David Trezeguet. We hardly knew you were still playing.
He may have had one of the most garlanded careers of recent times, but Trezeguet continues to play when other former French internationals are reduced to making hand signals on live television.
And Trezeguet is indeed still playing at the top.
Newell’s Old Boys, his latest team, are the current Argentinian champions and league leaders of the Primera. A win against their dreaded rivals on Sunday and it is hard to see how life could get much better for Newell’s.
But things could be about to get even better for Trezeguet.
This week the French international who was raised in Argentina was linked with a move to an eighth club…Barcelona.
Fanciful?
Maybe but Trezeguet will certainly have not gone unnoticed by a man who played a total of 14 years for, ahem, NOB and managed them to their league title last year, Tata Martino, now manager of Barcelona.
Newell’s are also the club where a little boy called Lionel began to play football.
And he really was little then, until Barcelona offered to pay for growth hormones and took him to Spain where he is more commonly known as Leo Messi.
(As an aside, Newell’s bitter rivals, Central, were supported by another local lad, Che Guevara).
But back to Trezeguet.
The theory goes that Martino wants a little more cut and thrust upfront for his post-Pep team. A bit of ooomph to complement the triangles.
And what could be more cut and thrust than a rangy, gangly two-footed striker such as Trezeguet who has scored almost 260 goals throughout his career in a little over 400 games?
“King David” as he is called at Newell’s, may have had an illustrious career but it feels as if he has been treading water for the past few years, waiting for the inevitable retirement.
Released by Juventus in 2010, Trezeguet played in Spain for Hercules, trotted off to the UAE to play twice in three months before pitching up in Buenos Aires to play for one of the country’s grandest clubs, River Plate, the club he supported as a boy, then Newell’s
Playing and scoring for River Plate – which he did 16 times in 36 games – said Trezeguet gave him more of a thrill than anything else he had ever done on a football pitch.
Maybe Barcelona might challenge that. Maybe.
Imagine having had a bad few weeks at work and then one Monday morning your boss walks over to your desk.
He taps you on the shoulder and gravely tells you he wants to meet for a one-to-one chat later in the week.
If that’s not stomach-churning enough, as he walks away from your desk, he turns round to inform you, and everyone else in the office, loudly, that you will be sacked. In three days’ time.
Implausible, no? No. Just ask poor Daniel Sanchez.
The Valenciennes/not Valenciennes coach was told by club president, Jean-Raymond Legrand, on Monday that he will be sacked.
Not that he already had been dismissed, not quite yet. No, the slow death will play itself out over the week.
“Daniel Sanchez is suspended from training and has been summoned to an interview on Thursday ahead of an eventual sacking,” said Legrand, dressed in best Victorian boss garb and stroking his whiskers, no doubt.
What he is being interviewed for on Thursday is not quite clear.
Sanchez’s dismissal had been coming – well, it still is – and was no surprise.
His team are at the bottom of Ligue 1 and at the weekend managed to gain only their 4th point in nine games.
Last week they lost to the team one place above them, Sochaux, coincidentally the only other team so far to have sacked their manager.
Between them Valenciennes and Sochaux, by the time they next take the field, will have managed two wins and four managers this season.
Sanchez won’t be the last, however. By the recent Ligue 1 law of averages, another three coaches should follow throughout the season.
L’Equipe asked, following Eric Hely’s dismissal from Sochaux, who would be the next manager to leave his post.
Next to a picture of Sanchez was one of Fabrizio Ravanelli. Francis Gillot of Bordeaux might not want to read the papers at the moment, either.
To outsiders, Ligue 1 doesn’t appear to be the most ruthless of leagues, but there is plenty of claret spilt on boardroom carpets.
The manager turnover seems to be keeping pace with the English Premier League in recent years.
In France, four managers were sacked last season, six the season before (Sochaux managed three bosses that season), six in 2010/11, three the year before that and six in 2008/2009, half of that turnover, strangely, accounted for by Le Mans.
During the same period in the Premier League, the numbers from 2012/13 were nine, five, six, four and five in 2008/2009.
Just four more sackings in that time in England (29 to 25) and already France is one ahead in the current season, despite the efforts of Ian Holloway.
Like England too, the ruthlessness appears to be more marked towards the bottom of the league.
So, with the bottom two clubs getting rid of their coaches, does that mean the team currently third bottom, Lorient, will naturally follow?
Now, that would be a shock.
In charge there is Christian Gourcuff, Ligue 1’s longest-serving manager, who is celebrating 10 years in the hot seat, having managed the club twice previously for another 14 years. That’s only 3 season less, in total, than Manchester United’s last manager.
There’s no chance of that Gourcuff getting the sack, is there?
That beautiful 17th century Parisian square, all colonnades and red brick, once home to Victor Hugo and, at number 21, the fearsome Cardinal Richelieu.
It is where flicky-haired Parisians and tourists go to relax after shopping and people-watching in the achingly cool Marais.
And it is also where, if you look closely enough you will see, on a road sign, a sticker which reads: “Fuck you, Marseille!”
On Sunday Olympique Marseille play PSG. It is the most famous fixture in French football, its greatest rivalry, the clash between the two biggest French cities.
It is a contest between the entitled capital and the ignored South, between tradition in the form of 104-year-old Marseille and monied arrivistes PSG, who are six years younger than Match of the Day.
Le Classique is many things, but it is usually important.
Sunday’s clash at the Stade Velodrome is no different; PSG currently sit second and unbeaten in Ligue 1, with 18 points from eight games.
After a slow start, the Parisians are finding form and their 3-0 dismissal of Benfica this week in the Champions League was by far their best performance of the season.
Marseille sit one place and point behind PSG. But they are not in the best of moods.
OM lost 3-0 to Borussia Dortmund this week and have won just twice in their last seven matches.
They do however, have a fine home record against PSG, having lost at the Stade Velodrome only once in the past eight years.
A win for PSG on Sunday would confirm what many think of Ligue 1 this season, that it is a two-horse race between PSG and leaders, Monaco.
Any kind of win for Marseille would be akin to a whole load of apple carts upsetting themselves on a nearby Pandora’s box while surrounded by watching pigeons and a passing cat.
But despite a long-running antipathy between the city of Paris and the regions, the OM/PSG football rivalry is a modern concept.
Like many things in modern football, it owes a debt to television’s powers of hype and…Hibernian FC.
Sky’s equivalent in France is Canal Plus.
A subscription TV channel, it is a must-have at home if you want to watch Lille v Valenciennes, or more importantly, avoid the still-running French version of The Price is Right.
It started broadcasting in 1984 and was once the sponsor of PSG. By the early 1990s it had hit upon the idea of hyping up matches between PSG and Marseille.
In charge of Marseille at the time was the not shy and retiring Bernard Tapie. He shared the enthusiasm for building up the match and Le Derby de France was born.
It also helped that from the mid-1980s to the early 1990s was a time when Paris and Marseille were winning league titles, and in Marseille’s case, the European Cup.
But the rivalry was truly born in the 1988/89 season.
At the same time Michael Thomas was famously winning the Division One title for Arsenal at Liverpool, something very similar was happening in the south of France.
Marseille and PSG had chased each other all season until playing each other on the final day.
Both had 70 points, both had a goal difference of plus 20 and heading towards the final moments of the match, both had a goal apiece.
Step forward, from about 25 yards, Hibernian legend to be, Franck Sauzee.
There was little time for anything else. Marseille won 2-1, Sauzee’s strike now known as not just as any goal, but a “but du sacre”, sacred goal. They secured the league and the double that season.
(Incidentally, the top scorers in Ligue 1 that season? Marseille’s Papin with 22, second was Monaco’s Glenn Hoddle with 18. Laurent Blanc of Montpellier scored 15, one more than Hoddle’s teammate, George Weah. Bordeaux’s Clive Allen managed 13, two more than colleague Eric Cantona and four more than FC Nantes Atlantique’s Mo Johnston).
Marseille had also, with that match, secured themselves a long-term rival. PSG managed a type of revenge in 1993/94, squeezing Marseille into second place.
The matches between the two progressively got more edgy off the pitch as well. In 1995, more than 150 people ended up in hospital after fighting, five years later a teenage Marseille fan was paralysed after being hit by a seat.
This weekend’s match has the added spice of whoever wins could go top. It’s not quite 1988/89, but for Sunday it will do.
Paris Shilton 